Whispers from within
by DsiSandraStanding
Summary: Line after line… tear after tear…heartache after heartache. Was it ever going to end? When Sandra falls in a downwards spiral, can Gerry pull her out and save her in time? Contains triggering themes.
1. Chapter 1

**a/n - This story will be fairly dark, and deep. Just a warning to you all. Don't hate on me, it's my way of coping with my thoughts. I sadly do not own New Tricks, although i wish i did :)**

 **Anyway, trigger warning for this first chapter - mentions of self harm.**

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Line after line… tear after tear…heartache after heartache. Was it ever going to end? Her one love had just begun a new relationship. No matter how much she loved him, he would never love her back. He clearly didn't, otherwise he would have acted on it by now. He knew her well enough. He saw her enough. He spent enough time with her.

Her vision quickly became blurry as she hastily wiped the tears away. It was the only way that she knew that would get rid of the pain. Even if it was only for a brief amount of time. It was better than permanently hurting. As her tears became heavier, her smile became wider. She glanced down at her wrist. Small beads of blood danced across the ten lines she had drawn on her forearm. She did it once more and watched the blood trickle down her arm. Did she really want to continue? Without thinking, she had done it again.

She had met many people who had gone through the same thing, and had the same marks left on their skin. Although, hers were much worse. Many people had witnessed some tragic events which were imprinted on their skin forever. Hers, on the other hand, were self-inflicted out of hatred; for herself and the people around her. She had worked cases where a key individual had attempted suicide, and the sights scarred her. They had once scared her. She could never understand the pain someone felt to try and take their own life. Now, she understood everything. The amount of pain they had felt; the thoughts racing through their minds and the feeling they had when that one piece of metal kissed their skin. It was her addiction. But with this addiction, came pain. Lots and lots of pain. Strangely, not physical pain, but mental pain and exhaustion. She had grown sick and tired of wearing long sleeves. She had become tired of being strong and sick of loving him.

She loved him, she knew that. She had known him for eight years now, and God she loved him. She wanted to tell him. Let out all the hurt, pain, disappointment and anger on someone other than herself. But she didn't want to hurt him. She couldn't do that to him. He meant the world to her. She suddenly felt very vulnerable, and very needy. She needed him.

The door to the main office opened suddenly and the footsteps of her colleague's echoes through the room. Her panic eased as she realised she had locked her office door and shut the blinds. She put the small piece of metal away in her handbag before speedily wiping the blood from her wrists and wrapping it with a wound dressing. As soon as she was cleaned up, she stood once more. She was just in time.

"Sandra, are you here?"

She knew that voice. It was him. How could she love him? He was her boss for god's sake. She remained quiet; hoping he would go away and leave her alone. Luckily, he left along with a trail of footsteps. The others had gone too. She put her jacket on, and unlocked the door.

"Sandra?"


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I'm so sorry this has taken so long! I've had a lot going on with college work at the minute, but enjoy!**

Her heart stopped. She didn't have to look at the person speaking to know who it was.

"What do you want Gerry?"

He studied her as she kept her head down low. He watched the way she moved as she swiftly flicked the switch on the kettle. She was hiding something. He knew her well enough to know when she was keeping something from the team. What she was hiding he didn't know. She kept quiet until one word came out of her mouth.

"Coffee?"

She looked at him for the first time; putting on a smile. He couldn't work it out. He knew the smile wasn't real, yet she hoped he was clueless.

"Yes please,"

Her focus turned back to the kettle as she gathered two mugs and poured some coffee granules into the bottoms. She waited for the kettle to boil, repeatedly tapping her nails on the edge of the table in a continuous pattern. It felt like hours went by, when in reality, it was only a couple of minutes. She just hoped that he didn't know what was going through her head.

Gerry knew something was wrong. He could see it in her eyes. They weren't as sparkly and full of life anymore like they used to be. He knew that she knew he was watching her. He could tell in the way she moved, making sure every movement was perfect so no signs of distress could be seen through her body language.

"Are you okay Sandra?"

The sudden click of the kettle switch springing back to its original position made her jump slightly. Luckily, it meant she could get out of lying to Gerry; for now, anyway. Gerry shouldn't be asking these questions. She was his boss, she should be worrying about him. Then again, asking how someone is, is just a routine question in a conversation, much like 'did you do it' was in a suspect interview. Silently sighing she broke herself out of the trance she had put herself in. She put the kettle down more forcefully than she had planned. As a result, a small amount of boiling water splashed from the spout like a water fountain display.

"Shit,"

Her forearm stung like mad. She felt each cut get its own share of the scalding water. She took a deep breath to stop her arm from shaking in pain and to steady her heart. She quickly handed Gerry his mug so that she could take hers and sit down on the sofa. She sat down slowly and stared into her coffee. She wanted to sit in her office, where she could be alone with her thoughts. She didn't want Gerry to bring up anymore questions; she didn't know how long she could lie to him for.

"Sandra?"

She continued to stare into her coffee. The liquid was still gently rippling from the movement of being carried. It caught her stare like an optical illusion. Could she ever be as calm as a cup of coffee? She thought of herself as the water. When she was mixed with other people, she changed. She 'rippled' as people entered and left her life. Somehow, she felt like she had been stuck rippling for longer than she should have. Gerry was settled. He had 3 happy children and a lovely grandson. Brian was happy, years clean from his addiction and had the wife of his dreams. Steve was still new, she didn't really know what was happening in his life, but she knew he was happy. He had a respectable job, something he enjoyed. Even her boss was happy. He had two children, he had an excellent job with a good pay. All her colleagues were settled like her cup of coffee. Yet here she was, unstable and constantly moving between emotions, like a freshly stirred brew. Sighing, she brought herself out of her stare and took a small sip of her still hot drink.

"Sandra, are you okay?"

She felt her eyes tingle as tears formed in her eyes. What should she say to him? No, she wasn't but, but he shouldn't worry about her. She quickly blinked to chase the tears away. Taking a silent deep breath, she looked up to face him once more.

"Yeah, I'm fine,"

He knew he wasn't going to get anything out of her. Sometimes it was like trying to get blood out of a stone with her. She had a habit of keeping things from her team. Studying her gently, he reached over and placed his hand on her shoulder. She jerked at the feel of his hand on her, and bit her lip. Trying to control her breathing, she remained silent until she had calmed down. Once she had regulated her breaths once more, she pulled herself up to stand before playing her mug down onto the coffee table.

"Go home Gerry,"

He watched her place her half-drunk coffee on the table, and head towards her office. He wasn't going to get anything tonight. Sighing he placed his empty mug on the table next to hers and waited for her to return. As she collected her things from her office as quickly as she could, she could feel a lump forming in her throat.

She angrily whispered, "Pull yourself together," as she dropped her coat.

Sighing, she picked it up and left her office.

"I'll see you tomorrow Sandra,"

She ignored him and walked straight out of the main room. She hoped she could keep it together just until she was home. Home was her safe place. She could be whoever she wanted to be there. No one was going to judge her there. She was almost out of Gerry's eyesight. She could do it. She was soon in her car and driving back to her house. She was safe.

Pulling into her driveway, she turned her engine off and crossed her arms on the steering wheel. Her tears were free and rolling down her face like raindrops on a car window. She gathered herself enough to get out of her car and go into her house. Tomorrow was a new day, hopefully she could make it through the night.


	3. Chapter 3

Ten days had passed since the awkward time spent with Gerry in the office and each day had ended the same for Sandra; crying on the sofa with a glass of wine and tonight was no different.

She had just collapsed in an exhausted heap on the sofa when the doorbell rang. She sighed and got up with her frustration being reflected in her movements. The harsh actions managed to knock her fresh glass of wine all over the fluffy white carpet; staining it a dark crimson colour and littering it with little glass shards, reflecting the light like tiny diamonds. Tears began to well up in her eyes as she made her way to the front door. The minute she opened the door, the colour began to drain from her face and she couldn't help but stare at her visitor and what they were looking at.

Gerry sighed as he knocked on the door of Sandra's house. He hadn't been able to pluck up the courage to come and see her until today; hoping that ten days was enough for them both to slightly forget about their encounter. He was shaken out of his thoughts by a faint crash followed by the hallway being lit up. It wasn't long before the front door was opened and he couldn't believe his eyes. This wasn't the same Sandra he knew from work. This Sandra had red, puffy eyes which were filling with salty tears quicker than he ever thought it could happen. It was only a split second before he noticed the rest of her appearance. His eyes were immediately drawn to her exposed arms. Faint and harsh red and purple wounds scattered her skin like freckles. As he returned his gaze to her face, he noticed that her usual slightly tanned complexion had been replaced by a much paler one.

As she began to slam the door in his face, he placed his foot on the threshold. The bottom edge of the door hit the side of his foot with force and he knew full well that it would leave a bruise as the best ending and a bone fracture as the worst.

"No Sandra. I know you like to shut everyone out, myself and your mother included, but this has to stop now."

He gently pushed open the front door, realising that her strength was only temporary. He quickly ushered himself inside and closed the door behind him. Tears began to cascade down her cheeks quicker than before. He didn't know what to do, other than open his arms and hope Sandra would accept the hug. The minute his arms had opened, she had collapsed into him; sobbing rapidly. Her arms wrapped around him tightly; clinging to him like he was her only chance at surviving. He softly returned the gesture and held her close. He could feel her tears beginning to soak through the thin material of his shirt and dampen his chest hair but he didn't care.

He gently pressed a kiss to the side of her head and sighed, "Sandra, why didn't you say anything?"

She shook her head against him and continued to sob until her heart couldn't take it anymore. He knew better than to push her; following her previous outbursts at work when she was no where near this broken. Gerry didn't know what to do other than lead her through back to her living room and sit her back down on the sofa.

Sandra couldn't process what had just happened. Had she actually been that stupid? She knew never to let herself answer the door without a jacket otherwise this would happen. She let Gerry lead her through her hallway. What was the point anymore? Her chest was physically hurting from her breakdown as Gerry held her.

Gerry had sat next to her after cleaning up the glass shards on the rug. He didn't know how to approach this situation, he'd never been in anything similar before. He may have come across similar elements in cases before, yet he didn't know how to cope when it was someone he cared about.

"Sandra.."

He looked up from his lap only to be faced with an empty seat. He turned around to find the source of a crash his ears seem to have missed. His heart broke at the sound of sobs coming from behind the kitchen island. He cautiously moved closer to her cries. Tiptoeing over the remains of at least 3 mugs, he finally got to Sandra. She was slumped on the cold kitchen tiles against the cupboards with her knees pressed to her chest and her head in her arms, facing the floor. It wasn't until Gerry sat next to her that he noticed the small splashes of the familiar scarlet liquid on the tile in between the pair. He slowly wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her in for a hug.

It wasn't until the moment an arm wrapped it's self around her shoulder that she remembered Gerry was in the house. Everything since the moment he released her from the hug was a blur to her. It felt like only minutes had passed since she slumped down on the floor however a glance at the clock quickly proved her wrong.

 _ **2.45am**_

Had she really been sat on the floor for over almost 5 hours? She allowed herself to study her surroundings. She noticed the pieces of ceramic surrounding her and Gerry, almost covering her entire kitchen floor. She sighed knowing that they would mean she would have new injuries to clean. She cautiously looked towards Gerry; scared of his reaction to the mess she had made. A breath of relief escaped her lips as she heard him softly snore. His arm was no longer around her which allowed her to slowly get to her feet. Each movement she made was almost silent, with the exception of her sweeping up the ceramic shards into a neat pile in the corner of the kitchen.

She quietly opened one of the kitchen cupboards and retrieved the first aid kit. With each action she made, she glanced over at the sleeping man in the corner. She didn't want him to find out this way. If he had to know, she would have preferred to tell him herself. Her sharp intakes of air made toned down hissing sounds, much like those of young snakes. She sighed and held her face in her hands.

"Sandra? What are you doing?"

She turned to look at Gerry. If it wasn't for the slight creases in his shirt and the stiffness in his movements, she never would have guessed he had been sleeping. He straightened his shirt out and swept himself down before sitting in the chair next to her at the breakfast bar. He placed two cups of coffee down in front of them and smiled at her.

"When did you boil the kettle?"

She gave him a small smile in return.

"Sandra, do you have these blanks often?"

She held the mug in front of her with both hands and looked down into it.

"They aren't really blanks. I don't lose time, I just can't focus on anything around me other than me."

"And your thoughts?"

She looked at him to meet his gaze and nodded. He picked up the antiseptic wipes on the counter and held his hand out for her. She reluctantly let him clean both arms, making sure all wounds (both new and old) had been looked after.

"Have you slept?"

He was asking whatever he could to try and get some answers without pushing her too hard as he tidied away. She shook her head and finished the remaining coffee in her mug before placing it in the sink alongside Gerry's already finished mug.

"Would you like me to stay with you?"

She nodded slowly and allowed him to follow her to the sofa. She didn't want to go upstairs tonight. The very little energy she had went into getting to the sofa. She sat with her knees to one side, and rested her head on a pillow she placed on the arm. Gerry gently covered her with a blanket and sat in the armchair opposite. It wasn't long before he succumbed to his exhaustion. Sandra sighed and closed her eyes, hoping for at least some rest for what remained of the night.


End file.
